nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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