Buhtt sex?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
