I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
