she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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