Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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