omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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