How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
