I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
