There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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