I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
