what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
