I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
