Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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