now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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