Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
