the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
