The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
