Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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