We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
