So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
