Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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