I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
