i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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