I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
