Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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