it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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