I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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