but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
