i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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