Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
