dude i'm inner monologue high
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
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at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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