i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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