Jerry, you need to find god
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
