He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There's always time for handjobs
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
