So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
