swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
