Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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