guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
