The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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