ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
