Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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