i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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