My liver just broke up with me...
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
