I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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