so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
