Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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