I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
