Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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