yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I am midnight drunk by noon
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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