she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
