haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
