Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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