I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
