remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
