i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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