she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
