So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
