Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
