when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
