Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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